


Connor Murphy

by Noonez_Trash



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Dies, Dead Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, POV Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, This Is Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:47:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24416881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noonez_Trash/pseuds/Noonez_Trash
Summary: after Connor leaves the computer lab he runs to a park, and well you guys already know the rest.-read the tags!
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Connor Murphy

“Fuck you.” He wanted to yell but his voice came out quiet and defeated instead. His hand lowered from Evan’s face and he ran from the computer lab. 

A quiet “Connor-” sounded from behind him but he didn't stop running. 

He didn't care. No one did, he was an idiot to try and find someone who did. 

He felt like a candle burning down to the end of its wick. His flame was flickering and soon it would dwindle out to be forgotten and replaced. 

He rand through the halls of the stupid high school and no one stopped. He wonders if they knew how he felt or what he was quickly planning if they would stop him. If they would grab him by his elbow gently and stare right into his blue eyes while begging him to think differently. He wonders if they would tell him to stay at school, wait a few hours to think it through. Or maybe nothing would change at all and they would just watch him run to the end and laugh. 

His thoughts were filled with the need to get away, to run away as far as he could from the computer lab. Away from the cast that held the last thing he ever wanted to write, his stupid name on that stupid cast that was made because of that stupid tree. 

His head felt like it was underwater as faces and buildings passed with a blur. Tears he willed away stung his eyes but they had not yet fallen. 

No one seemed to care that Connor Murphy, the school freak, was sprinting towards the school gates while there were still two classes left of school. Everyone seemed to give him this look that meant ‘took him long enough’, the sea of students parted as he ran past. 

He felt like that night. The night he crashed his Subaru into the tree. For the longest time, he had lied to himself about a deer jumping out into the road but he knew there wasn’t. His head swam as he ran. 

He ran and ran until he found himself in a park. Throwing himself down below a tree he stuffed his face into his knees. His fingers made their way into his hair and began to pull. It stung but he was trying to ground himself. It wasn’t working. 

He stuffed his hand into his pocket and flinched when he felt a piece of crumpled up paper inside. He knew what it was before he unfolded it but he read it anyway. 

Dear Evan Hansen,  
Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?

I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all.

I wish everything was different.  
I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared  
tomorrow?

Sincerely,  
Your best and most dearest friend, Me

He frowned at the words. He hadn’t gotten to the end when he was in the computer lab. He saw the creepy part about his sister and… he couldn’t stop himself. The paranoia and insecurity took over and now he was here.

He read through the rest of the words, he found himself relating to them because would anyone notice? If he disappeared and never went back to school would they notice? Would they even care or would they finally be free from the ‘future school shooter’? 

He looked at his bag. He knew what was inside, a bottle. A bottle he had kept in there for months now just waiting for the right moment. He reached for the bag as the numb feeling came back. Shoving his hand to the bottom he found it, the pills inside rattled as he ripped the bottle out of his bad. 

He rested it in his lap. He watched them and then looked back at his bag. 

He didn’t need to write a note. The large Connor could be the last thing he sent out to the world. It was like he was yelling his own name because that he ever was, Connor. Connor Murphy, the kid who threw a printer at Mrs. G in the second grade. Connor Murphy who tore his family apart and screamed at his sister if she looked at him. Connor Murphy the scary emo kid. Connor Murphy the kid ‘most likely to become a school shooter’. Connor Murphy, the kid who got made fun of by the Invisible kid (at this point he thought that maybe Evan hadn’t meant to make fun of him). Connor Murphy. 

He looked at the letter in his lap and then over at the bottle of pills in his hand. With shaking hands, he stuffed the letter back into his worn-out pocket. 

He grabbed the bottle and tried to open it. The lid when ‘clack clack clack’ as the child lock kicked in but he got it open. 

He stared at the plain-looking pills and took a shaky breath. 

“Fuck it.” 

He dumped a handful into his hand and then another. Then again, again, again, and again until the pills were all gone. 

His head felt weird. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah sorry kiddies this is sad 
> 
> I was going to not have Connor die and Evan find him but... then I decided i wanted something else


End file.
